I just look at this jumbled up mess of happiness, sadness, anxiety, drugs, alcohol, sex, decisions, responsibilities, worries, the future, the past, the present and everything in between: teenage years.
I look at this mess and the only thing that comes into my head: confusion. I just don’t know. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing with my life, I don’t know if I’m doing the wrong thing with my life, am I keeping my friends or losing them? Am I being too good or too bad? Is it weird that I don’t go to parties and I hardly drink? Is it weird that I lash out alot and hurt the closest people to myself? I don’t know what to feel, think, say or do and it physically hurts me.
I feel stressed by school work, but I don’t spend alot of time worrying about it. I see the deadline in front of me and freak out a bit, but I know I’m going to get it done. I fight and scream at my friends and feel like this weight of hatred is killing me inside but I know that somehow it will work out. I just don’t know what to do.
And then I look at you. You’re the last thing I question. You are the rock and security in my life, everyone says it, my therapist hasn’t even met you and she already knows that you are the only thing in my life that really keeps me secure and takes my anxiety away. And then sometimes, I question you. Not you exactly but us. Us. I get scared that this is it. That now that I’ve met you that I won’t meet anyone else and I’ll wonder for the rest of my life what it’s like to meet someone new. I’ll forget the feeling, that wonderful light-headed, heart thumping feeling of falling in love for the first time. I’ll forget that and I’ll feel trapped and my whole life will fall away in this awful vision of being too comfortable, too scared to leave.
I sometimes feel like this. But you don’t. Then that scares me even more. Because if you’re not feeling this way, then is what I’m feeling wrong? Is what I’m feeling mean that I don’t want this, us? But could I walk away? If I feel like this in the moment and act on it, then later regret it, what will I do? I can’t make you take me back a third time, that would be insane. But knowing you, you’d probably take me back. I just don’t know.
I don’t know what to feel. But then when I start questioning you I feel this warm choking feeling of love and I can’t believe I ever considered leaving. I don’t know whether this love I feel is true, or its hidden fear of starting again, of suddenly having to start again from scratch, knocking down something I have so comfortably and effortlessly built for 4 years.
I love you. I know that for sure. I know that I love you. But is that enough? Can you love someone, only one person for the rest of your life, day in, day out, and not touch each other, not make love? We’ve lived like this for so long, 4 long years of just emotional love with the thrill of the occasional physical love. We’ve built this relationship of loving each other in the public, disapproving eye, no time to ourselves, no real time where we can’t worry and don’t worry.
It’s tiring. A don’t say it isn’t because we both know how difficult it is to look into each others eyes and know that we can’t really fulfil each other, that we can say sweet words and have fleeting moments of passion, but nothing that lasts. Nothing that happens everyday.This lack of physical love, this restriction we have is killing me.
I need you. And not having you is making me rethink everything. I don’t want to seem selfish, I feel selfish writing this. But not having you physically, just having you emotionally, is not enough. When we were younger it was perfect, we were too scared, too naive to know how to be physical, how to want to be physical, but now we know, now we want it more and more but we are also at an age when it’s still not acceptable, and that is really hard.
I don’t know what to do.